It is very possible I could have been a race-car driver in a past life. Because I like to drive fast, really really really fast. If I am in a bad mood, if I am annoyed at something, nothing quite makes me feel at least a little better than zipping in and out of traffic, bobbing and weaving, switching lanes and burning the other drivers besides me at the stop light. Most likely my need for speed is a very dangerous but also addictive behavior. But I love it. And I am not exactly driving a high performance vehicle at the moment, but my V6 does just fine. I can't wait to upgrade to a faster, sleeker car- although it might be safest for myself and the other drivers out there for me to be responsible (maybe not towards the environment) and get an SUV where I would be forced to be less of a race car driver in a 5 foot 2 frame and invoke my inner "soccer mom"- type of driver, --- scratch that, a hybrid SUV (see, I can be environment conscious!) --- But I actually think, in spite of the speed demon inside of me, I am a good driver. I am sooooo sure any guys reading this will be rolling their eyes, especially since women are notoriously bad drivers, but I like to think that if I wasn't a good driver, I wouldn't push the limits like I do. I think ahead, I anticipate other drivers' moves as well as my own. I look for the holes in traffic, I calculate the best route in terms of traffic and time. I pay attention to everything.
Unfortunately that attribute applies to almost every aspect of my life. I notice small changes. And I am not just talking about when a coworker gets their hair cut, or my boss is wearing a fabulous new dress. I notice EVERYTHING. And it can be helpful, but it can also be detrimental. I am beyond perceptive. I can practically notice if the wavelengths of someone's mood changes. I am sure that statement makes absolutely no sense to anyone else but me. I am not trying to say that I am psychic or even gifted. I am not claiming to foresee the future. But I do know when something is up and when all shit is about to be let loose. Close friends of mine have called me paranoid when I tell them that- when I warn them that something is about to happen. But I just know. Somehow. Maybe I am just able to read people well and to know what to expect from them. Who knows if there is an explanation. But if you know me, whether we are friends, if we work together or perhaps we are just in close proximity- chance are- I am paying attention, without even trying. I cannot help but be in tune with anything that directly impacts my life. Sometimes I wish I had an off button.
For instance, two weeks ago from today, I knew something was brewing where I work. And it turned out, I was right. 5 days after, shit went down. It killed me to know that something was going on, and nothing happened for 5 days. There was no fallout until 5 days after I noticed. And even though everything is fine now (as "fine" as it can be), I learned a lot from that experience and unfortunately cannot talk much about it here. But I knew. And it bugs me. I think that I knew that my most recent ex was going to cheat on me before he even knew he was going to. It is kind of messed up. When something changes, a mood, a feeling, even if it is such a small, seemingly insignificant change- I notice it. I wish I didn't. I wish I could live in the bliss it would be to just not care, not care to notice and not to even realize that something might be wrong. To be oblivious would be ideal to me. Then, when I don't follow my instincts at that tiny little moment, it wouldn't affect me so much later on. Lesson for this evening? FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. Or at least I should learn to follow mine. Scary thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment